Demented Aria

Thinking things through..

[Jan. 1st, 2006|03:22 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	okay	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Asgaard - Mare Crisium	]

It's been a long while since I've written in any of these. I've more or less been writing on MySpace. But never anything too personal. Mostly stupid shit about pants that are plotting. www.myspace.com/aperfectfailure

Lately I've been determined to change things in my life. For the better, of course. And I didn't have to wait till fucking New Years Eve to make a resolution and stick with it. I managed to do this on my own 2, 3 months ago. My new years resolution was to either "drink more beer" or "become a better person". Figured both would be great. Already started on the one. I haven't had a burger since September. I haven't had steak or beef in any way since before that. And I stopped eating chicken in October. And now, I haven't eaten any meat for almost 2 months. And I'm proud of that.

Moving to South Carolina was the worst and best mistake I've made. It was the worst because I was miserable there. Having no friends for more than 800 miles away. And having nothing to do there. What was I thinking? How could I start my life in South Carolina? Why did I move there in the first place? I'll tell you why... I needed to get out. I was bored with life and wanted a change. But it was a mistake. The good thing, though, is that all the time I spent there I got to thinking. A lot. Thinking about how I was miserable here, but even more miserable there. I'm determined to make everything in my life better. I have to do it. No one else can help me. [Except if I need someones number or something.. but that doesn't count.]

Now that I'm back here, my mother and I are actually closer. It's pretty scary thinking about it, but its true. I'm even getting along with Michael and cracking jokes every once in awhile. I was causing myself to be miserable before. And now I'm having a postitive attitude with my mother so I have a more positive life, I guess. It's hard to explain...

I believe that even if you think you've burned bridges, you can always build a new one. But it'll take a lot of time. And patience is what I have plenty of. I give everyone second, third, and fourth chances only to hope to receive the same in return for my stupid mistakes. Awhile back everyone got a bit carried away with the whole bad-mouthing eachother through these stupid journals. I wanted to stop because I always hated myself afterwards.. but when I read some things that hurt, I felt I needed to retaliate. And that was fucking immature. I'm glad it all has stopped though... but now everyone is separated. Mikey can't keep the same friends and be able to hang out with me at the same time and that hurts him a lot. But what hurts him most is how his sister treats me. Right now, theres nothing I can do about that... but sooner or later hopefully she'll be able to trust me again.

I've fucked up so much with Mikey. Always getting in fights with him when I'm drunk. Breaking up with him. Going out with another guy. Then going back out with him and cheating on him with one of our friends. That was the end of it. I hate always going back to that night and remembering the most stupid thing I've done. But he forgave me. And I am so thankful for that, you have no idea. I think that was the low point where I realized I needed to change things in my life to make it better. Mine and his both. He gave up all his friends for me. And then when we broke up, he got them back. But we started going out again and now no one wants to hang out with him anymore. Don't ditch Mikey just because he's with me again, please. He doesn't deserve that. Things are so hard for him right now and he has no one there to get his mind off things. >.<

I don't know what else to say. No one reads this anyhow... but I just need to write about things somewhere. And maybe someones reading. o.O

[Jun. 20th, 2005|02:56 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	hopeful	]
[	Listening to...	\|	A Perfect Circle	]

I graduate tomorrow

I'm not all that excited about it. I just want to get it done and over with. And leave. My class is annoying. They don't understand "shutup" and "sit down". The longer they take to shutup and sit the fuck down, the longer we stay there. Which is what I don't want. I want to get out.

I'm stuck sitting next to Steph Huesser at graduation. I can't stand her and I tell her this but she still is an obnoxious fat bitch. I tell her that too... plenty of people do... but that doesn't shut her up. Gr.

I have to get shoes and crap today. Blah. Tomorrow is busy. Graduation practise, graduation, dinner, then two parties. Wednesday I'm leaving. I'm sure the scum of Erial will miss me oh so much. Yes. I know. Don't hold back the tears... just let it out. Don't you worry dears, I'll be here to visit quite often. Bitches.

I'm going to miss a lot of people. They have all become a part of me and I love them. I've had awesome memories with every person I have become friends with over the years. As for those who aren't my 'friends', I know that one day they will die of a drug overdose and that makes me smile [a lot].

My favorite yearbook entry was from Sanger. I wanted to cry:

"You are simply, in one word, amazing. I have to say, under all the black, you have the brightest personality. You have a great smile and I am thankful for you. You are one of the people that I want to be around, come 5... 10... 15 years from now. I can remember as far bas as 7th, 8th grade? lol. Homeroom... how cool was that?? What I won't ever forget tho, is your hugs. They always seem to make me feel good, in a warm, comfortable way, of course. You are so nice. Don't ever change!! Oh yeah... it just occured to me, though, you used to be so loud and hyper all the time! What happened? You totally mellowed out. But it's cool. You're still the same, nice girl I met. Never forget me. Be good to yourself, don't let nothing bring you down. You're very genuine. Never lose that quality. Good luck in the future."

Sorry if that bored you... but its surprising to find that someone would feel that. He made me feel so good about myself. For once. Some random person saying something like that really does have an impact. Not person, friend.

---------------------------------

I couldn't believe how many people dropped out this year. And how many people are staying back a year. It's ridiculous. Is it really that hard? Christ, I did it. Mikey made it. People are really pathetic. Some throw away everything [even friends] for drugs.

Drugs drugs drugs.

---------------------------------

Senior year is easy, for those of you who are going to be seniors. And its fun. I have a lot of memories. What I like is how I can look at every face and know their name. And remember what they looked like back at elementary school. And talk about the stories. Like the one time that Fred threatened to kill his teacher. Good times.

Just don't be an idiot and drop out. Don't take extra days off just so you can smoke. I was lucky with my teachers, where I'd be able to cut a thousand times and not get caught. So if you have Ms. Weaver or Mr. Small next year you can cut their classes and they don't give a shit. With Mr. Small, you can not get dressed half the time and he'll still pass you. This last marking period I only went to his class on fitness days and walked 3 laps each time. So I was there less than half the time. And dressed half of that time. And I passed. He's awesome. Don't get Mr. Callinan. He is a horrible teacher. Oh, and I feel bad for you if you chose to take the Psychology classes... they're horrible. A project every other week. Bah! I hated it last year.

Don't think that the person you love now will be there forever. This is why you have friends. Don't dick over your friends for "love". It's not worth it. [Trust me]

I'm starting a new journal. [again] For certain reasons...
If you wish to know just IM me: SilentForTonight

So glad to see you have overcome them.
Completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if
They're all someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead

With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down to choke you now

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[Jun. 19th, 2005|10:08 am]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	busy	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Children of Bodom ... BITCHES	]

My dad came back!!!! I was packing yesturday and he scared the crap out of me. Haha. And then he took me out to eat. Good times!!! Today he is going down to Wildwood and then we're spending the evening together. Boo yah!

Oh... and I've noticed that the reason why I haven't been feeling anything [emotionally and physically] is because I've been taking perks. Heh... yeah... that might be it. Yeah... okay gtg. Moving truck is here.

[Woo I get to leave all the low-lifes of Erial. Boo yah!! Still going to hang out with some though]

(no subject)	[Jun. 17th, 2005\|05:06 pm]
Everything is changing around me. And none of it is for the better. But for the first time, I'm holding everything together. I don't know how. I've just been shrugging everything off. And going to sleep. I've been sleeping so much. And eating a lot less. I can't afford food. But I don't care anymore. I'm not going to see any of my high school friends because either they are moving, or because I am. And I don't care. I've been living by myself for about 3 weeks now. And haven't talked to my dad for one week. And I seem to not be caring about that either. Nothing is going to be the same anymore and I don't care. I just sleep. I'm really really depressed but I don't know the reason as to why. And, of course, I don't care. I've been dicked over, dumped, yelled at, hit, hurt, and other smaller things this pass week... and I don't care. I feel numb to everything now. Isn't this great? I hope you have a good night.
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[Jun. 13th, 2005|03:55 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	Ouch	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Fuck	]

Dear LiveJournal:

bv bvbvbhygvbgfvbtvf gbvffrftrgfgtvrhgbvb vghnhgm nbg mnbvfmng mn

Love always,
Jonel's Forehead.

[Jun. 12th, 2005|10:15 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	confused	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Eh... it hurts :-\	]

What do you want me to say? What do you want to hear, rather? This is what I get for wanting to be alone for awhile. I'm sorry. I couldn't watch t.v. or listen to fucking music for a week it hurt so much. I love being alone sometimes. People just don't get that. People don't try to understand. When I want to be alone, I want to shut myself out. I like to just lock myself in my room in the house for days. I love it. I love the privacy. The silence. I get to write! I love writing. [I wrote a lot]

I'm too confusing for anyone to understand. I don't understand myself. I don't like opening up. And I hate it more when people try to get me to open up. But isn't that always an excuse? That everyone seems to use. For your information, Pat wasn't my "entertainment". Or "rebound". Or whatever the fuck you fucks would like to call it.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

So anyone who is reading this you can comment. I know who reads this. [oh and by the way, even if you're not a livejournal user or have an account... you can still comment! Holy shit! Did you know that?! I bet you fucking did]

-------------------------------

So with all the excitement of me being able to hear again... guess what?! Yes! Holy crap you guessed it! My ear is clogged up again. Damnit.

What I notice is that everyone who isn't in a relationship often looks up to one. Or, if they are already in one, they compare. I hate it! [I do it too...] I guess a lot of people I hang around outside of school look up to Joe and Laura. I don't. There's this couple in my school that have been together for probably almost 5 years. Neither of them have ever smoked [pot or cigarettes], nor do they drink, do drugs, or even have sex. They've been together for so long and they're still virgins! That is awesome. I wish I was able to keep mine... heh. Let's not get into that. But yeah... they also made it as "cutest couple" in our yearbook. Aww... so cute. But anyway, just thought I'd add that.

I don't think anyone should compare themselves like that. [don't listen to me... I don't know what I'm talking about]

Ha.. what's great is that I always seem to decide to quit something while I'm on it. Does that make sense yet? Okay.. like when I smoked pot... whenever I would be high I would say that I was going to quit. And right now.. I'm thinking I should stop drinking. Ha.

I think you should just ignore my rambling. I have much whiskey in me.

I'm going to miss high school.

This isn’t happening…

It’s been four years already?!? What a fucking rip off!! Or was it?

Well, this is our last week as little kids... soon to be high school graduates,
just 80 some odd more faces in the endless sea of human life.
Of course, most of our faces will be blanketed by the tide,
and will never meet again.
Some waves will crash to shore and reach far enough to touch your toes
but quickly be pulled back into the emerald green.
It feels like I’ve lived an entire life in these short four years
And that life is coming to an end.
I feel like anyone dying would:
I feel sad, lonely, hopeless, confused, and distressed,
yet another part of me feels at peace; content with what I’ve done,
and ready to face what is next.
The people I’ve come to love have become part of me, like the branches of a tree. I’m afraid that when we part so will the marks they’ve left on me.
I don’t want to forget them. This tree is growing brittle and it seems the slightest gust of wind will break parts of me off.
I want to keep it strong for as long as I can.
How long, that is the question.
I don’t know whether to jump for joy or cry.
This is very odd and expressing myself isn’t usually such an issue. But now these words I’m looking over... I’m debating their meaning.
I’m debating the sincerity.
I’m not sure.
Is it really over??
Now?
Already?
The fact I cannot fathom going on without some people is hurting my brain.
I said this earlier to someone,
that I have amazing memories and as much as I want to go back in time,
they are called memories because they cannot be relived, only remembered.

This isn’t happening...

^^^I was thinking of writing that in Senior's yearbooks... is it good enough? May be too long... comment again.

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[Jun. 12th, 2005|11:38 am]

[

Listening to...

Something.... o.O

]

snowing
coffee
sober up

rooftops

baby you're just kidding yourself
smoking & drinking under
grey skies of winter
will get you

nowhere

--------------------------------------------------

piano dischord / music is
feeling sick on carpet floors,
lying back, lying down
one cigarette too many but
cancer aspirations will do me in
eventually, anyways
the bottle is too far to reach
and i don't think i could get up if i tried

Found a nifty little site the other day thats filled with wonderful little poems: www.sugarinmytea.com There's also artwork. I advise you to check it out when you get a chance.

----------------------------------------

Hm... what else is new. Love. What the fuck. What a lie. How could we possibly believe in such a thing? Love is worthless. It's not worth it. Love is a fantasy. Something we all see on t.v. and movies and wish so badly that it could happen to us but it never will. Never. Nothing will ever be so perfect. It may seem like everything is okay and then when you least expect it... it completely turns around and goes the opposite way to leave you standing there with your mouth still open and your eyes still horrified from the shock. We're still standing here. Unbelievable. How could something be so raw.

That's it. I don't know what I'm talking about. Thanks for listening though. Comment. Go to that site.

BTW: I can listen to music now!! It doesn't hurt my ears to listen anymore!! Woo... it's the little perks in life that I wait for to bring up my hopes. Again. Yes. Okay. Goodbye...

Whisper words of wisdom... let it be

(no subject)	[Jun. 6th, 2005\|03:36 pm]
The past week is a blur to me. I've been so sick. I don't remember much of my weekend at all. I probably won't even remember writing this. I am so fucking sick. I have a really bad ear infection. I forgot what the doctor said it was but his reaction was not good at all. And I have TMJ syndrome. [where the joints in my jaw don't function properly... I just say my jaw is double jointed] Which I've known I had for some time now. But it's taking its toll. I can barely open my mouth. I can barely hear. Ugh... so sick. No school tomorrow either. Maybe not Wednesday. If I do go to school... I don't know how I'm gonna make it. Any loud classes will be too loud for me. I won't be able to talk. i've got two classes out of the whole day that I think I can handle. And thats first and 8th period! ha. Hopefully my mom can talk the nurse into giving me a pass to get out of class when I can't handle it. I have another fever. Bah.... Sorry for my complaining. I'll go now
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(no subject)	[Jun. 4th, 2005\|12:34 am]
Well, prom was everything that I expected it to be. And if we talk a lot then you know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing or in between or whatever... I'm still fucking sick.
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(no subject)	[May. 26th, 2005\|06:16 pm]
You know why you should give blood? Because I can't. I went to the blood drive today and they wouldn't let me give blood because I'm anemic. Your hematocrit level has to be at least 38% to be able to give blood. Mine was only 27% [which is "abnormally low" as the packet said that they gave me] Wow. I waited an hour for them to give me some crummy packet about anemia and what foods I should eat. Great! The best part is... on the top of one of the papers in big bold letters it said: "Hematocrit Deferral Letter" which made me feel so fucking inadequate... anyway, I guess I can try again in a few weeks. So I left school early, again. But it was great... because as soon as I got home my dad asked me if I wanted to go out to eat with him. Good times. We talked a lot... -.- Okay well I feel sick so I'm gonna go lay down again. Tootles
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[May. 25th, 2005|06:54 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	hyper	]
[	Listening to...	\|	The Beatles	]

Okay, so much is going on!

Going to school is a waste of time so I've been leaving early [except today].

Tomorrow is pretty much a half day for me because of the blood drive.

Friday is Senior cut day [even though the stoners and juniors cut too].

Yeah, anyway... I've packed up my entire room except for what I'll need for the next month living here.

My dad is leaving Saturday or Sunday morning so I've been helping him pack up as well.

I've got to get to the bank some time this week. >.<

I have got to order flowers for prom. My lazy ass table has still yet to do the seating arrangements. We have 2 or 3 seats left so anyone interested...

I'm even thinking of going shoe shopping. I don't know yet. I really would prefer wearing my boots. But... idk.

Aliens scare me.

My dress is "cute". It's pink! But it seems to look purple in certain lights... and it's short. Which is why I don't want to wear shoes... I hate feet.

My old boss is having a party this Sunday and I'm going to that.

Also on Friday me, Dani, and Karen are going to the carnival to be our horny monkey-girl selves fiending for funnel cake. Yum... funnel cake is wonderful.

Mmm.... coffee coffee coffee!

OoOoO I hope I get annihilated. Any parties planned for prom night? I'm thinking of just having a bunch of people over here. And having my fridge fully stocked with alcohol because it's wonderful. And I've got movies! And gay ass popcorn that you buy in a store and sucks because it's just not the same as the popcorn that you get in theaters... it's just not the same!! Tsk... tsk...

Why don't you like the beatles?!?! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!! Don't talk to me anymore...

Things and things and things

[May. 21st, 2005|03:43 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	lalalalala	]
[	Listening to...	\|	The 69 Eyes	]

Mmmm... coffee is now a way of life for me. I cannot make it through my day without it. I went to Ikea today to look at beds and a bunch of other crap for my new bedroom. Now all I have to do is wait for it to be painted. After Ikea my mother took me to get a celly! So yes, I have a new cell phone [with a camera!]. So if you wish to call me to bug the shit out of me just IM me, or txt/call my old cell phone.

Turns out that I will be able to stay here alone until I'm done high school. My dad will be leaving some time in the next two weeks. I'm also looking for a new home for Amelie. I'm not sure if I'm going to be keeping her when I move in with my mother. I would love to... but I don't think I can. My mother says if I don't find a home for her then she's going to take her to a pet store. I don't want that because she can be sold to a mean, mean person that feeds their pet snake big rats. And my mother would also lie to me about giving her to a pet store and actually let Amelie go on the side of the road or something [she did that with my old dog... she'll do it again... the bitch!!].

Mike's tonight. Taco Night! Yes. And alcohol. Hm... what to get. Vodka? JD? Not sure yet... so if you're Mike's friend then you're invited to go and you should. Because you are his friend. And an alcoholic just like the rest of us, hopefully. So BYOB and we'll share our alcohol as well. Otherwise, you'll just be stuck there staring at us drink. HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE! -.- Yeah, anyway... go.

Sorry, no stories today kiddies.

Locking away the little children for a better tomorrow...

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[May. 17th, 2005|05:22 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	silly	]
[	Listening to...	\|	The Beatles	]

I feel silly. Really silly. I don't know why, nor do I care for the reason as to why, but silly is bounding through my head like so many wee little midgets trying to run on those short, stumpy legs! Maybe it's the coffee. Damnit.

Hmm... haven't you ever realized that everything you ever thought you needed to complain about was for zilch... and your whole life has been lived according to others expectations... and you never once thought about what you truly needed or wanted. It may be best for you to just go to the police and pretend it was all a bad dream and claim your 'victimhood'. They keep it behind the counter between the coffee and your self-respect.

Am I making any sense yet?

By the way, food has never tasted so damned good. Food is mmm mmm good. That's what food is. You're all ridiculous. Ever single one of you! *shakes finger* The sooner you realize this, the sooner we can be friends.

The Secret of my Typing Rock

[May. 16th, 2005|09:03 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	creative	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Bright Eyes	]

Okay, let's get the cat out of the bag...

I can't type. Not a lick. Worse even, my spelling is ATROCIOUS. The truth of the matter is: *sigh* I am very lucky and I type with a rock.

The rock itself is just a common garden variety of some sort of quartz or something. I say "garden variety" because I yanked it out of my mom's garden. Literally. It was just about too big to hold in one hand, but quite comfortable in two. And it's got a fairly sharp [by rock-standards] point on one end. I cleaned it up with a garden hose and took it home.

So, now when I send emails, write project plans, Excel documents, BLOGs [hate that word], or generally type stuff, I pick up my typing rock and just start bashing the keyboard with it. All the while, I think about what I want to say, and even mouth the words, while hitting the keys with the sharp end of the rock. I want to say I do this "willy-nilly" but I don't know who that is. There's a definite pattern to the way I strike the keyboard, but even that has fluctuations.

The luck part is that, upon reading what I've bashed out with the rock, it seems to come out completely [mostly] legible and even tends to have proper punctuation. The almost amazing part is, it also conveys the intended message I was wanting it to all along!

So there you have it. My secret is out. I hope you can all forgive me for not really being as gramatically correct, or some sort of speed-typer, or whatever impression you had of me was. I'm just a gal with a rock. Which, in retrospect, is something to be aware of in general, but that rock has a purpose.

I know you're wondering why this took so much longer than usual to write... I started it yesterday, but had to wait for UPS to bring me another crate of keyboards. I'm good now.

Please forgive me.

Your friend [or aquaintance, or complete stranger who's livejournal you came across and started reading, you voyeur!],

Lil' Joey!!

P.S.: This story is not true. I'm a LIAR!

So vulnerable... but it's alright

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[May. 7th, 2005|06:25 pm]

[

Listening to...

A Perfect Circle

]

I've been sick all week. My tonsils are swollen really bad and my mother has yet to take me to a doctor for it so it's only getting worse. But that's a good thing, because the doctor may say that I have to get my tonsils removed and there is NO FUCKING WAY I am going into a hospital. I didn't even step into one the many times my dad was in one. I just can't go in there... eh.

Anyway, things have been going well. Which means I'm bound to get depressed again within the next few days. I've also decided to go to prom. Then I chose not to for some reason. Then I chose to again. Now I'm thinking about not going again. But anyway, I've been looking at dresses either way just because I know I will end up going because so many people are forcing me to go. I've got about 2 or 3 in mind. But I must'nt let any of you know. Except for the one... it's a purple snake-skin-looking dress... fucking amazing!!! And only I, the great and fucking amazingly wonderful Jonel, knows where to find it for only 70 fucking bucks! Yes! But eh... I'm still looking at another one that isn't as... "weird". o.O

So I got Amelie a hamster ball to roll around in and she's so afraid of it that its cute and was sooo worth the $4 my dad spent on it anyway. She's so cute!

Last night was Joe's. Not many people. But they worked on some songs. They're coming along pretty good I think. But yeah... Jerry's guitar is being uberly gay. And I don't remember the rest of the night because I kept falling asleep. Damn medicine...

Pat is swinging by in a little bit to pick me up and we're going to Barnes and Noble to get Mother's Day gifts for tomorrow. Well, he's getting a gift for his mother. Aww...
Yeah, then we're heading to Joe's again for more band practice. Hopefully with more people and beer this time. I can drink this time bitches!! Yes.

Ohh... so what the fuck is a PURSE PARTY you say? Well, its a random house [in this case, one of the ladies houses that my mother works with] filled with rip-off purses. They look exactly like the really expensive version. Like the ones with the "LV" Louie Vaton... or some shit. I don't know. Anyway, it's a house filled with a bunch of old women and like 2 stinky old men who were drug along with their wives looking unhappy beyond all bloody hell drinking a beer and eating sausage. Not much fun. The house smelled funny. [I didn't get my purse there]

Went back to Lowe's today to pick out more things for my new room. The paints and such. And closet doors. And curtains. And blinds. And ceiling fans. Yes. And after all this fun me and my mum went to Hamilton Mall for a purse that was "me" -as my mother said. Ended up going into hot topic and buying two shirts as well.

To whom it may concern: MIKEY needs a date for his senior prom. He's a SENIOR [again] so he should definitly be going to prom no matter what. But it'll be gay if he goes by himself and ends up being arranged to sit with me at my table with Pat. He has a thing with eating a formal dinner with Pat. Not that he ever has had to do such a thing before and it won't hurt him... idk... he just doesn't want to do it [especially if he doesn't have a date]. So LADIES, this young, handsome and yet slightly immature slightly metal-heady-ish man is available if you wish to go to prom. And possibly get laid afterwards. Or not. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. We're possibly getting a hotel afterwards and anyone who asks is invited. I don't care. Everyone.

Shit. gtg.

Disaster in a halo... nothing even matters-nothing even matters-nothing even matters...

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[Apr. 29th, 2005|05:27 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	I don't know	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Ours	]

Eek!! I got a rat last night!! :-D Thanks to Ash... I LOVE YOU ASH!! I named her Amelie and she's white and has red eyes. And is sooo cute. And really, really hyper when you hold her! Tonight I'm going to get Amelie a friend. Another female... I'll name this one Shittles. I can't wait! >.<

Hopefully I'll be able to get really, really inebriated tonight. I want to have fun. MIKE: You better go to Joe's. Don't leave me there alone :-\ Ick. I really hope I won't be at Joe's all night though. I want to go somewhere else.

Now for the gay part...

Past love died, as she cried, I saw beauty
Girls wished for boys and scared them away
As I saw beauty

Alright, alright
My feet keep on taking me back, back, back to those places
Alright, alright
My knees keep on shaking from fright, fright, fright

Scared and cold, now you're old
Time thaws, but you'll break
There's a hole in my soul
How much more will it take?

Alright, alright
My feet keep on taking me back, back, back to those places
Alright, alright
My knees keep on shaking from fright, fright, fright

I saw, I saw
And it moved all of the gray aside
I saw, I saw
It moved all of the gray aside

Alright, alright
My feet keep on taking me back, back, back to those places
Alright, alright
My knees keep on shaking from fright, fright, fright

'Don't tell me you wanted me... don't tell me you thought of me'

[Apr. 28th, 2005|09:48 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	Fuck you	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Dream Theater	]

I can't believe this is happening again. Even more surprising, I'm letting it get to me, again. I knew it was going to happen. No surprise there. I could have prevented it. I still can. But either way I'm bound to be hurting myself. I really, really can't stand this. There's no one to talk to because they'll just tell me what I already know. So I'm stuck doing what I always do and that's shoving it all down. I need a cigarette really bad right now. Heck, throw in a fucking bottle of Jack with that. Let's get annihilated this weekend. [again for me] Anyone want to join?? IM me, you know my screen name.

2 comments|Leave a comment

Grrr...

[Apr. 27th, 2005|05:50 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	weird	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Into Eternity - Shallow	]

What I am going to say may piss some people off. So if you're gonna get bitchy pissed then don't fucking read it. Chances are, you shouldn't be reading this anyway. Especially since you don't care? Your actions contradict your words, my dear.This has been my only entry on this journal that is directed towards you and I'm sorry there couldn't have been more for your attention-seeking soul. So try not to think that I'm always talking about you when I bring up this "gossipy gossipness" crap or say "Erial". I also apologize that I'm not the confrontational kind of person you would like me to be [or yourself, for that matter]. So I do not wish to speak with you in any other way then right here. Nor would I like to see you. I'm sure you feel the same. Oh yes. But of course. Since apparently you have been reading my entries... please make this your last. Tragically enough, for such 'sworn enemies' we don't seem to be all that different? It really shouldn't be this hard for one to just ignore what the other says. But of course, we have to be our girly selves, which sucks. So just stop.

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Another thing that has pissed me off today was finding out that fucking VELVET REVOLVER is the mystery band for mainstage at Ozzfest. I've been hoping for Into Eternity or something actually good. But nooo.... of course not. FUCKER! So to make Mikey's day better I've been writing on his arm. Yesturday I wrote: "Give me hugs" and he got soooo many. He told me he had to have gotten at least 5 from everyone that saw it. Haha! Today I wrote: "Mikey wants hugs" but I don't think he got as many yesturday. Damn them all!! *shakes fist* I'll kick everyone until they hug him. haha.

So I found out today that NOT eating can actually make you gain weight! So much for that diet, aye?! Haha. Back to the green tea and salads diet!! [which will be broken in 5 minutes because that pizza in the fridge is just screaming my name] Okay, off I go to be fat for one more day.

[Apr. 25th, 2005|08:04 pm]

[	Right now I'm feeling...	\|	AWAKE	]
[	Listening to...	\|	Dream Theater - Pull Me Under	]

Oh, please forgive me for writing in here so much. There is much on my mind [and 5 cups of coffee in me]. It's hard to put what I feel into words. And embarassing. No matter how depressed I get there's always that one part of me that holds on so dearly to hope.
I'm always hopeful. I can't help but think to myself that these things happen to me for a reason. These horrible, wretched moments in my life are for the best. I still am not strong enough to endure them alone but I'm lucky to always have someone there to hold me when I'm ready to crumble to pieces again.
These events also make me realize what love and happiness could be. Those brief moments you feel something with someone makes you want to believe so much more in love. And that you could be happy with them for the rest of your life. But what is love? What if right now, you aren't in love. Rather, you are infatuated with this person. Is that it? Think about it. Infatuation is when your relationship is the most important thing in your life and you depend upon it to make you feel important. Infatuation consists of jealousy, 'happiness', distrust, and fear, and so much more.
Stolen:
What's your definition of romanticism? Mine would have to be this: Romanticism is the reminder of compassion for someone in which you share a deep emotional bond. With that, the limits of romanticism are endless. This is certainly romantic within itself. That, in my opinion, is the point of being romantic at all. To ignore the boundaries set by others and strengthen and find strength in the one person that finds strength in you. Go and find that. I have never agreed with the phrase "You complete me." You are always a whole person. You have always been searching. What you really need to find is the one person that compliments you. The person that is strong where you are weak and weak where you are strong. That doesn't make a whole person because people are whole even with their strengths and weaknesses. If you find someone that compliments you, and together you are a perfect union, and then hold on to them. That’s what marriage is, a perfect union of two people. What can I say, I'm a hopeful romantic.
I don't know what else to say... but I'm sorry for all my sad entries. When I dwell on the meaning of life I think that there is no point to it. Think about it when you're depressed. There is no happy, shiny ending that awaits you at the end of this yellow-brick road, conformists. This world will treat you like the garbage you are. Fuck it. Now I'm getting myself all steamy mad and stuff.

The other day I wrote the most disgusting song in the world. I showed it to some people, hope glittering in my eyes like a diamond, and those people would be like: "Whoa, that's um... that's... uh... out there." Oh, my shattered dreams!!! It didn't have a title, but I suppose if I had to come up with one on the spot like this [damn you all!]... I'd call it: "I'll pull out your tongue in the sickest way possible and cut it off if you lie again" I guess that's the best way to sum up the song. I don't think I will be sharing anymore writings though for awhile. Ha. And, yes, I was on something when I wrote it.
Hurray for my Daddy coming home with more caffeine!! Yeah, that's right, now I have a 16oz cup of Wawa cappuccino in my hands. So are you in for a night, or what?! My endless blabbering... a pity for you who are stuck reading this.

God, I really, really fucking hate the news. I can't help but watch it sometimes, though. All they really do is make you fear. And then we go into a panic and buy tampons and onion dip in bulks at the stores. And they'll be on sale or something and the sign would read: "It's the end of the world!! All necessities 30% off!" Right? That will definitly be happening one day. I can see it. Our future filled with robots and stuff that'll eventually take over the world and make us their slaves. Or we accidently will blow ourselves up. Something like that's bound to happen. Even commericals, dude. They're fucking with our heads too. "What exactly are our children listening to today? And could it be provoking violence and terrorism in America? We're in more danger than you may think. Details at 10." WTF!! I'mma get off the subject. But this is how I think violence starts. Because of all the fear that they are feeding us to begin with. Whatever.

Gossipy gossipness. Just read a friends journal entry about people starting shit. And not being a decent human being by trying to settle it like an adult. Kinda like black people!! Really!! You try and talk to them calmly or something and they won't have it! You'll be like: "Let's settle this like adults" and they will freak out more! Haha. Funny immature people that aren't black but gay and aren't going anywhere in life. You gotta love 'em. Erial has turned to shit. Me and Pat took a walk past Erial the other day and it was dead. Now the new 'hot spot' for young fucks is Timber Creek. Aww... its the new spawn of "Erial" they say. What is it with hanging out at a fucking SCHOOL?! I'm betting a good majority of the people go there to gossip about me and stuff!! I feel special. *hugs self* I'll go there one day and give them all the pleasure of my presence that they enjoy so much. And I'll shake hands with them and tell them that I'm the bitch everyone's talking about. Or at least one of them.

What if I just happened to walk up to you, trip you, stomp on your face really really hard and then spit on you and walked away cackling. That would AWESOME! >.< I hate you >.<

Enough for now, freaks. Nighty night!! [again]